Thieves of The Private Sector (Continued): NOKIA (Does Not) Care !!

Dear Friends,

I guess that its time that I told you another horror story about the private sector and its 'efficiency' & 'dedication' towards 'service' to the consumers. This time the story is about Nokia-the mobile phone giant.

Like a lot of people in India I have been using a Nokia mobile phone. To be truthful, the quality of the set per-se is good. However, even good products become old and require repair/service once in a while. So I was not surprised when my handset gave me an ultimatum that it needed a doctor ! Actually what happened was that the main speaker of my phone (which we place on our ear) had been malfunctioning in for some time. I had circumvented this problem by using the hands-free option. The newer models of Nokia have a simple hands-free attachment which has a standard pin that plugs into a jack in the phone. This jack is of the sort that you find in most laptops, TVs etc. Things were working fine this way till a few days ago when, when I inserted the pin of the hands-free attachment into the jack, the phone did not detect the attachment. I fiddled around a bit, turning the pin this way and that. On this the phone detected the same. This continued for a day. However, fearful that I would lose this function completely, I decided to show my phone at an authorized Nokia service center. I took the phone to one such center in Allahabad (please note that it was an authorized service center and not a  'Nokia Care' office). The 'engineer' there saw the phone and without examining it diagnosed that the headphone jack had become defective and would have to be replaced at a cost of Rs. 650/-. I told him that this appeared to be rather high for a jack and asked him if there was any way to repair it at a lesser cost. After he replied in the negative, I went to a 'Nokia Care' office, where, after examining my phone they told me-and I quote-"The jack of the phone is defective. There seem to be some more problems. You will have to leave the phone for at least 48 hours. There is no guarantee about the data and bill for repair would be within Rs.1000/-". At first I was inclined to leave my phone behind but good sense prevailed and I didn't. Instead I took the phone to a local mobile phone mechanic. Once I had explained to him the nature of the problem, he took the phone from me, cleaned the innards of the jack with a pair of pointed forceps, adjusted the contacts inside the jack that touch the pin of the hands-free and returned the phone to me. I tested the phone several times by inserting and removing the pin of the hands-free into the jack, and each time the phone detected the hands-free perfectly. I could not believe my eyes ! There was actually no problem with the jack at all save some accumulated dirt and contacts that required slight manipulation ! I offered money to the mechanic but he refused, saying that actually there was nothing wrong with the phone and he had done 'nothing' that would warrant a payment from me. This time I could not believe my ears ! I thanked him profusely for his help and honesty and went back to the authorized service center of Nokia. There I told them how my phone had been set right in five minutes flat with minimum intervention , by a smalltime mechanic and that too for Free !!! They really had no answer to my question as to why they attempted to wrangle out Rs.650 from me for something that was so petty that another person did it in five minutes for free ?  They really had no answers. Finally, after some thought, the owner of the service center replied. "If you go to a big hospital, you will have to pay for the tests and the CAT scan wont you ?". 

What can I say? Glory be to the thieves of the Private Sector !!

If You Are Against Corruption: You Are Against The System...!!!!

Dear Friends,

Ever since Anna began his campaign against corruption in the country, we all have been watching it with admiration and hope. I, in particular, have watched the events as they have unfolded with great application. And now, I think that the time has come to present my conclusion to you. The conclusion Friends, Indians, Countrymen is.....If you are against corruption,you are against the system..!!

There was a time when I thought (or hoped) that corruption in our country was an aberration. I mean, I thought that our leaders-all the people in important places-were opposed to this phenomenon. However, with considerable horror I realize now that I was extremely naive in my presumption. The fact is that our leaders-all the people in important places-are actually against that individual who dares to raise a voice against corruption in this country.

Look at the demands being made by the people of this country. One, make laws to bring back the black money stashed abroad by corrupt means; Two, reveal the names of those who have perpetrated and orchestrated this loot and Three, pass an effective law that can bring these corrupt people to justice. As a citizen, I think that all these three demands are most logical and fair. In fact, it is a shame that the people of this country are having to make these demands in the first place. As I see it, the moment any party comes to power, it should act on these three issues suo-motu. But what is the response of our 'Leaders' to these demands ? The response is a concerted effort by all the political parties to avoid having to face these demands. All political parties without fail are busy pointing fingers at each other. What they are saying effectively means "Look, who is party-X to call us corrupt ? They are much more corrupt than us !" In this match of mudslinging the real issues-the three demands of the public-are effectively sidelined. As a citizen I fail to understand why no political party is willing to step forward and commit to the people of this country that they are committed to bringing back the wealth of the people of this nation, reveal the names of those who have perpetrated and orchestrated this loot and award exemplary punishment to them. In fact, what I see instead is an all out frontal attack on those who are championing the cause of the people.

The logical question that comes to mind is that how can those, who are against corruption, attack and deamonize those who are campaigning against corruption ?? There is only one answer to this question-and that is the conclusion that forms the title of this article. The fact remains that now there is only one 'System' in this country and that system is 'Corruption'. All those at the top, who are supposed to fight this malaise have their interests firmly rooted in this morass. The moment any one tries to battle corruption, he/she steps on powerful toes and hurts powerful interests. So dear friends, in contemporary India, if you are against corruption..you are against the system...!! Fight it if you wish to...but at your own cost and peril !

Losing A Friend: In Remembrance of Himanshu Mohan

Dear Friends,

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. I have often been woken up from sleep at wee hours in the morning by news of derailments, failures etc. But the news that woke me up today was as terrible as it gets. Kapil Sir called at close to 5 in the morning to inform me that Himanshu Mohan Sir was no more !! Even though I have seen his lifeless body, I still cannot believe that he is gone.....!!

Himanshu Sir, without doubt was one of the nicest and most genuine persons I have known to date. A human being who was defined by dignity, wit, command over language, poetic flair, warmth and an understated elegance. I met him for the first time in NCR Headquarter, in the chamber of Ojha Sir, when I  first reported to NCR after my sudden-interzonal transfer from Northern Railway. In that singular meeting he won me over and it was only later that I came to know that he was so much senior to me. From then on, we kept meeting and soon a friendship blossomed between us which was as unlikely (seeing the difference of seniority) as it was special. I loved his wit and warmth and the ability to make me feel absolutely at home and comfortable and he admired my poetry. In my humble opinion, Himanshu Sir was a rare literary gem-a master of satire and poetic expression-who was yet to be discovered by the literary world. 

It is a sad day today that I am writing this piece as a tribute-a parting gift-to a dear friend whose ready smile, quick wit, sense of humor and down-to-earth attitude will be missed forever by all those who have been fortunate enough to be close to him when he was still here between us. 

Today I bid farewell to my friend and pray to God that his soul may rest in peace.

Adieu my friend....I shall miss you forever !!

Thieves of the Private Sector (Continued): Branded Showrooms Selling "Nakli Maal" in Allahabad

Dear Friends,

I think that I shared with you how a pair of Adidas Sports shoes that I bought from the showroom of Adidas in Vinaayak City Center Mall, Allhabad, lost their 'Souls' -I mean 'Soles'- a few months after purchase and after minimal use. Well, I was telling this story to a journalist friend of mine. Imagine my surprise when he told me that in probability, the pair of shoes that I bought from the Adidas Showroom was fake !! He went on to inform me that large scale business of fake shoes is going on in Allhabad. The modus operandi is that the owners of showrooms of branded shoes are purchasing fake shoes of the same brands which reach Allahabad via Nepal. These shoes are virtually indistinguishable to the untrained eye from the original product. Typically, a pair of such shoes is purchased by the showroom owner at the rate of Rs.250 to 300. The fakes are then sold along with the original ones at the same rate as the originals (Rs. 2500 to Rs.8000 per pair) in the same branded showroom. In the process, the showroom owner laughs all the way to the bank while the poor customer has only one recourse..to go and complain to the showroom owner where insult is added to injury when the staff manning the showroom starts misbehaving with him (just as the Adidas Showroom staff misbehaved with me). If this is really happening (and I am inclined to believe that it is !), then the phenomenon must not be limited to Allhabad alone. This is another example of how crores of rupees are being stolen daily from the pocket of the hapless and unsuspecting consumer by the ubiquitous and unscrupulous thieves of the private sector..!! 

Another Moral Victory for My Stand On Corruption

Dear Friends,

It appears that the issue of corruption in the private sector being the genesis of all corruption in this country is now gaining momentum. If the newspapers are to be believed, the government is mulling bringing the three holy cows of this country-namely Media, NGOs and the Corporates under the scanner of the Lokpal (if and when it is formed). You may recall that I have written an article called "Vultures Behind Lenses" bringing out the rot that has and is eating away the core of Indian  Media. On the issue of the corruption in private sector, my series of articles under the common title,"Thieves of the private sector" is there for you to read, discuss and debate. I have for long raised the issue that corruption in India is all pervasive and what is visible and highlighted in the public sector is merely the  proverbial tip of the iceberg. It is heartening to see that work has begun on fixing the responsibility of those who are silently eating away into the roots of our country like a bunch of termites working unseen under the ground.

Kejriwal's Book Supports My Stand On Corruption

Dear Friends,

For a long time now I have been trying to attract public attention to the very important and much neglected issue of corruption in the private sector. I have written a series of articles under the omnibus title "Thieves Of The Private Sector" on this issue. Through these articles I have tried to highlight and underscore the fact  that the genesis of the corruption in the public sector lies in the greed of the private sector. 

I have given numerous examples of blatant corruption and looting of public money by the private sector in these articles which can be read on this blog. And now, It is heartening to note, that one of the biggest crusaders against corruption of our times, Magsaysay Awardee, Arvind Kerjriwaal has highlighted the same problem in his recent book "Swaraj". The newspapers report that in this book Kejriwal has dwelt at length on how the MNCs and the big Corporates use their cash-muscle to force public servants into being corrupt. 

Even the great Hindi writer, Premchand, in his story "Namak Ka Daroga" has dealt with this theme of how the rich and powerful people in the private sector force honest public servants to become corrupt and how they play with the lives and careers of those who refuse to tow their line. If corruption in the public sector is like the branches of a tree, the corruption in private sector is like the big, deep tap-root that feeds those branches. Pruning the branches is a good idea. But a better idea is to attack the root. Once the roots-thieves of the private sector-are destroyed, the tree of corruption will automatically wither away.

My congratulations to Arvind Kejriwal for attacking the root of all corruption in this country.

काश मैं मैडम का कुत्ता होता

कल शाम कुछ हजरतगंज की हवा खाने का मूड हुआ तो उस तरफ टहलने निकल गया | जनपथ मार्केट की तरफ मुड़ा ही था कि सामने से एक सुन्दर युवती आती दीख पड़ी | ऐसा मत समझिएगा कि हजरतगंज में किसी भी सुन्दर युवती को देख कर मैं 'अटेंशन' में आ जाता हूँ | यहाँ तो बात कुछ ऐसी थी कि मैडम सुन्दर होने के साथ-साथ कुछ जानी-पहचानी सी लगीं | कुछ देर कुलबुलाने के बाद सोये हुए जज़्बात दीमाग पर जमी वक़्त की परत को तोड़ कर बाहर निकले और दिल से आवाज़ आई "अरे ये तो रेखा जी हैं !!"

रेखा जी एक ज़माने में हमारी कोलोनी की धड़कन हुआ करती थीं | पसंद तो मुझे भी थीं मगर कभी भी उनके आशिकों की लम्बी कतार में शामिल होने कि हिम्मत नहीं हुई | आज इतने दिनों बाद उनको सामने देख कर मैंने जज्बातों के स्विमिंग पूल में जो गोता लगाया तो फिर वो तन्द्रा उनकी सुरीली "हाय" से टूटी |

"अरे आप ! यहाँ अकेले खड़े क्या कर रहे हैं ?"

"बस...बस ऐसे ही | कुछ काम से आया था | अपने एक दोस्त का इंतज़ार कर रहा था |" मैंने झूठ बोला |

"और आप सुनाइये क्या खरीददारी हो रही है ?" उनके हाथ में पकडे हुए पैकेट की तरफ देख कर मैंने पूछा |

"ओह ये ...ये तो बेबी के लिए फैरेक्स है |" उन्होंने जवाब दिया |

"बेबी के लिए फैरेक्स...!" ये वाक्य मेरे कानों में बम कि तरह फटा | यानी रेखा जी की न केवल शादी हो गयी थी, वरन बच्चा भी इतना बड़ा हो गया था कि फैरेक्स खाने लगे |

"मुबारक हो रेखा जी ! भई ये तो गलत बात है | शादी कर ली | बेबी भी हो गया और हमें खबर तक नहीं ?" मैंने शिकायत करी |

"अरे नहीं...नहीं !!आप गलत समझ रहे हैं | बेबी तो मैं प्यार से अपने जैसपर को कहती हूँ |" 

मेरी नासमझी पर तरस खाते हुए उन्होंने बात आगे बढ़ाई |

"अभी कुछ दिन पहले एक अलसेशियन पप्पी ख़रीदा है | उसी का नाम है जैसपर | बड़ा नाखरेवाला है | कुछ खाता ही नहीं था | मेरी एक दोस्त ने बताया कि उसे फैरेक्स खिलाओ | मैंने ट्राई किया | उसे फैरेक्स सचमुच बहुत पसंद आया | अब तो हालत ये है कि हर हफ्ते एक टिन चट कर जाता है |" रेखा जी के लहजे में वात्सल्य उमड़ आया |

"आपको पता है, अलसेशियन बड़ा समझदार कुत्ता होता है | मेरा जैसपर तो बड़ा क्यूट है..."

रेखा जी ने वात्सल्य पूर्ण स्वर में अपने 'बेबी' की तारीफ़ शुरू करी | मगर मेरा दिमाग चक्कर खा रहा था | एक सवाल मेरे ज़ेहन में हथोड़े कि तरह चोट कर रहा था | सवाल था " कुत्ते के लिए फैरेक्स ...!!!???"

"अच्छा मैं चलती हूँ | कभी घर आईये | आपको बेबी से मिलवाऊंगी |"

"ज..जी..."

रेखा जी चली गयीं, मगर मेरे ज़ेहन में एक ऐसी उथल पुथल छोड़ कर , जिसे सम्हालना नामुमकिन हो गया और मैं वहीँ फुटपाथ पर बैठ गया |

आप भले ही मुझे एक सड़ा हुआ सोशलिस्ट समझें मगर बात कुछ हज़म नहीं हो रही थी | जिस मुल्क में हर साल  लाखों बच्चे भूख और कुपोषण से मरते हों, उसमें फैरेक्स जैसा शिशु आहार कुत्ते के पिल्लों को खिलाया जा रहा है !?

मगर इस इस मामले में रेखा जी अकेली तो नहीं हैं | हमारी एक और जानकार मिलीं जो अपने कुत्ते को काजू-किशमिश खिलाती हैं | एक ऐसा भी केस देखा जहां एक मिसेज़ शर्मा अपने कुत्ते 'लकी' को मेहमानों से बाकायदा 'लकी शर्मा' के नाम से मिलवाती थीं | ऐसे भी असंख्य मामले हैं जहां इस गर्म देश में अपने  प्यारे-दुलारे कुत्तों को ठंडा रखने के लिए उनके 'मां-बाप ' उन्हें एयर कंडीशन में सुलाते हैं |

इस तरह के दृष्टान्तों से मैं अपने चीखते-चिल्लाते हृदय को सांत्वना दे रहा था, कि कंधे पर किसी ने हाथ रखा | ऊपर देखा तो होमगार्ड था |

"क्या बात है भाई ? यहाँ फुटपाथ पर बैठना मना है |" 

मेरा मन तो हुआ कि उससे पूछूं कि जनपथ में फुटपाथ पर बैठना कब से मना हो गया ? मगर बिना कुछ बोले चुप-चाप उठ गया | बोझिल कदमों से घर की तरफ जा रहा था कि सामने से एक चमचमाती 'मर्सडीज़' कार निकली | अन्दर एक सुन्दर सी मैडम थीं और उनकी गोद में सफ़ेद, सुन्दर, रुई के फाहे सा, उन के गोले सा...'पामेरियन' था | कार होर्न बजाती हुई बगल से निकल गयी और मन में एक हूक सी उठी...."काश..मैं मैडम का कुत्ता होता |"

कल डिस्कवरी चैनल पर एक कार्यक्रम देख रहा था | उसमें एक सुन्दर सी मैडम के हाथों में एक सुन्दर सा कुत्ता था जो बड़े प्यार से उनके मुंह पर जीभ फेर रहा था | मैडम के चेहरे पर जो प्रसन्नता के भाव थे उनको देखकर बरबस  मन में यह विचार आया ...

"लब का बोसा कुत्ता ले और हम खड़े देखा करें, क्या हमारी कदर कुत्ते के बराबर भी नहीं ....!!??"

(यह लेख सत्रह अप्रैल, 2002 को लखनऊ से प्रकाशित 'सिनेरियो' नामक साप्ताहिक अखबार में छपा था )

भ्रष्टाचार का समाजवाद

बचपन से ही एक शब्द सुनता आया हूँ 'समाजवाद' | जिसे देखो वो ही ऐसे समाजवाद की बातें करता है जिसमें ना कोई दीन रहेगा ना दुखी | बाल-बुद्धि को पतंगबाजी में ज्यादा आनंद आता था इसलिए बड़े होने तक यह समझ में नहीं आया कि यह 'समाजवाद' ऐसी कौन सी दवा है जिससे देश के सारे मर्जों का एक साथ इलाज हो सकता है ? किताबों से संपर्क किया तो पता चला कि भारत के संविधान से ले कर कार्ल मार्क्स की किताबों और रूस से ले कर चीन तक समाजवाद चारों तरफ बिखरा पडा है | किताबों ने समझाया कि समाजवादी व्यवस्था में संसाधनों को इस प्रकार बांटा जाता है कि राष्ट्र में और समाज में सबको सब प्रकार के संसाधन उपलब्ध हो सकें | विचार सचमुच क्रांतिकारी लगे | 'सबको सबकुछ' | यानी ना कोई गरीब और ना कोई अमीर | ना कोई 'हैव' और ना कोई 'हैव नॉट' | जब 'समाजवाद' का अर्थ समझ में आया तो 'पूँजीवाद' का अर्थ स्वतः ही साफ़ हो गया | यानी 'पूँजीवाद' वह व्यवस्था है जिसमें संसाधनों का केन्द्रीकरण कुछ व्यक्तियों के हाथों में इस प्रकार होता है कि बाकी जनता उससे वंचित रह जाती है | यह बड़ा ही घृणित विचार लगा, भारत के परिप्रेक्ष्य में तो बिलकुल गाली के सामान |

समाजवाद की विचारधारा में मग्न एक दिन घर में बैठा था कि मेरे एक मित्र आ गए | उन्हें बहस करना पसंद है, सो सीधे विषय पर आ गए-"यू नो गौरव, इंडिया हैज़ बिकम ए कैपिटलिस्टिक (पूंजीवादी) कंट्री ?' 

सुन कर मुझे झटका सा लगा | लगा जैसे उन्होंने खींच कर मेरे मुंह पर तमाचा मारा हो | तुरंत चाय कि प्याली छोड़ कर खड़ा हो गया | उन्हेंविदा करने के बाद भी प्रश्न मन में गूंजता रहा | "क्या सचमुच हमअपनी समाजवादी परंपरा और आदर्शों से विमुख हो गए हैं ?" अखबारके पन्ने पलटते हुए अचानक एक शब्द पर नज़र पड़ी और सारे संशयमिट गए | शब्द था 'भ्रष्टाचार' | इस शब्द को पढ़कर इतनी प्रसन्नताहुई के पूछिए मत | मन में विचार आया कि भारत वर्ष में अब भीसमाजवाद कायम है  और उसका सबूत है भ्रष्टाचार | सचमुचभ्रष्टाचार हमारे देश में समाजवाद का सबसे बड़ा उदाहरण है | कोई भीइससे अछूता नहीं है | रिक्शेवाले से ले कर हवाईजहाज वाले तक |पानवाले से ले कर होटल वाले तक | अभिनेता से ले कर नेता तक |सब के सब में यह अमूल्य वैचारिक संसाधन बराबर बनता हुआ है |

भ्रष्टाचार ने सचमुच हमारे देश में एक समाजवादी व्यवस्था किस्थापना करी है | वह व्यवस्था है, अर्थव्यवस्था के अन्दर अर्थव्यवस्था| यानी सिस्टम के अन्दर सिस्टम | देश के कुछ मुट्ठी भर पूंजीवादी इसअर्थव्यवस्था को 'काली अर्थव्यवस्था' का नाम देते हैं | परन्तु यह तोसिर्फ उनकी ओछी मानसिकता का प्रतीक है | वास्तव में जिसे वह'काली अर्थव्यवस्था' कहते हैं वाही 'असली' अर्थव्यवस्था है | सिस्टमहै | इस व्यवस्था में सब मिल बाँट कर खाते हैं | इसमें छोटे-बड़े,काले-गोरे, हिन्दू-मुसलमान...किसी का कोई भेद नहीं |मालिक-मुलाजिम सब बराबर हैं | सब एक दूसरे की पूँजी बढ़ाने मेंलगे रहते हैं | सच तो यह है कि भ्रष्टाचार पर आधारित व्यवस्था'इमानदार' पूंजीवादियों  से उनकी कमाई को खींचकर सब मेंबराबर-बराबर बाँट देती है | इतना ही नहीं, भ्रष्टाचार के समाजवाद केऔर भी कई  फायदे हैं | इसमें जो कुछ है व्यक्ति का है, देश का कुछभी नहीं | ना कोई टैक्स , ना कोई हिसाब-किताब | जोई कमाओ वोशान से खर्च करो | यही व्यवस्था देश का चंहु-ओर विकास कर रही है |पनपती मॉल  संस्कृति, चमचमाती गाड़ियां, लज़ीज़ भोजन औरसुंदरियों वाले पांच-सात सितारा होटल, सब भ्रष्टाचार के समाजवादकी ही देन हैं |

कुछ अल्पबुद्धि लोग भ्रष्टाचार के समाजवाद को 'बेईमानी' कि संज्ञादेते हैं | वास्तव में ये उनके मन कि डाह है | भ्रष्टाचार असल में'बेईमानी ' नहीं 'बुद्धिमानी' का द्योतक है | पुराने सड़े-गले सिस्टम केसाथ तो सब चल लेते हैं | मगर पुरानी रूढ़ियों को तोड़ कर नयीव्यवस्था का निर्माण करने के लिए अपार बुद्धि और कौशल किआवश्यकता पड़ती है | भ्रष्टाचार का समाजवादी ना केवल बुद्धिमानहोता है, वरन साहसी और ‘जुगाडशील’ भी होता है | दरअसलभ्रष्टाचार से दिमाग को पैनापन मिलता है | इससे 'लैटरल थिंकिंग'यानी समानांतर सोच कि वह बेजोड़ काबलियत विकसित होती हैजिसके गुण देश के आई.आई.एम्. प्रायः गाया करते हैं | ‘लैटरल थिंकिंग' यानी आप छत से कुछ इस तरह से अंडा गिराएँ कि वह गिर भी जाए और फूटे भी नहीं | सत्य तो ये है कि 'जुगाड़' नामक कला, जिसपर सारा हिन्दुस्तान नाज़ करता है, इसी भ्रष्टाचार की देन है | जो काम कोई नहीं करवा सकता उसे जुगाड़ त्वरित गति से संपन्न करवाता  है | भ्रष्टाचारी काम अटकाना नहीं जानता, वह काम करवाना जानता है | भ्रष्टाचारी सीधे लक्ष्य तक पहुंचता है | रास्ते की परेशानियों की वह चिंता नहीं करता | इसी सोच का परिणाम है उसकी समृद्धि और खुशहाली | देखा जाए तो आज जिस अर्थव्यवस्था पर हम सब नाज़ कर रहे हैं , उसके आधार में 'ईमानदारी का पूँजीवाद' नहीं अपितु 'भ्रष्टाचार का समाजवाद' है | यह दुःख कि बात है इस महान व्यवस्था को कुछ डाह रखने वाले अकर्मण्य लोग बुरा बताते हैं | ऐसे पूंजीवादियों ने तो भ्रष्टाचार के समाजवाद के विरोध में आन्दोलनकारी संस्थाएं तक खड़ी करी हैं | इसके बावजूद यह सर्वत्र व्याप्त है | इसी ने 'इंस्टैंट जस्टिस' कि परिकल्पना को साकार किया है | इसलिए अब समय आ गया है कि हम 'इमानदारी के पूँजीवाद' को छोड़ कर  'भ्रष्टाचार के समाजवाद' की विचारधारा कि ओर पूरी तरह से अग्रसर हों | स्कूलों और कालेजों में इसे एक विषय की तरह पढ़ाया जाए | होनहार युवाओं को इस विषय में पी.एच.दी और डी.लिट जैसी उपाधियाँ दी जाएँ | जब कोई व्यक्ति 'डॉक्टर ऑफ़ हिस्ट्री' हो सकता है तो 'डॉक्टर ऑफ़ भ्रष्टाचार' क्यों नहीं ? मेरी मांग तो यहाँ तक है कि अब 'भ्रष्टाचार' को हिंदी में 'कार्य सुविधाकरण' और अंग्रेजी में 'करप्शन' की जगह 'फसिलीटेशन' कहा जाना चाहिए | 

(यह व्यंग्य लेख मैंने सन 2007 में लिखा था और 27 मई, 2007 को 'राष्ट्रीय सहारा' अखबार में छपा था ) 

Thieves of The Private Sector (Continued): The 'India Effect'-'Desi matlab Ghatiya'

Dear Friends,

Today I went to the market to buy some fruits. The mango season being well and truly past, the market is now stocked with apples and pears. I went to a shop and started looking at some apples. Almost immediately the shopkeeper prompted me, "Sahab ye waale chhodiye, ye desi hain. Aap to yeh waale lijiye. Vilaayati Hain. Importaid...". (Sir, let these ones be. These are Indian and not so good. Take these other ones instead. These are imported..). I bought some of both (Indian and Imported) and came home. But what the fruit-vendor said would not allow my mind to rest in peace. His words kept on hitting me. "Don't take these ones. These are Indian..."  My mind dwelt on other similes. "Desi Gulab" is worse than "Vilaayati Gulab". "Desi Sharaab" is worse than "Vilaayati Sharaab"... I kept wondering how and when the word "Desi"-which translated into English means "Made/Produced in India" became a synonym for "Ghatia" or "Bad Quality"? Perhaps it happened in the years that the British systematically destroyed Indian industry and handicrafts and flooded India with factory-made products from England. But even if that was the case, the situation should have been corrected in the 65 long years after independence. But, even today, the connotations remain the same. 'Desi' is still a synonym for 'Ghatia' and 'Vilaayati' still denotes 'Superior Quality'. I found the answer to this question when in the evening when I put on my Adidas sports shoes in order to go for my regular table-tennis practice. This pair of Adidas sneakers I had bought for Rs:2500/- from the Adidas Showroom in Vinayak City Palace Mall at Allahabad only a few months back. They were practically new and the only wear and tear that they had been subjected to was while playing table tennis which, in itself, is rather a mild sport compared to running or cricket. As soon as I started walking after wearing the Adidas sneakers, I felt a strange flapping sensation in the sole of the right shoe. I examined the shoe to find that the entire sole had gotten detached from the upper of the shoe ! I was shocked. After all Adidas is a world renowned company and you don't expect such 'Ghatia' quality from its products. I took the shoe the showroom expecting that they would apologize for the bad quality and replace the shoe. Imagine my further shock and surprise when the boy at the counter of the showroom started misbehaving with me and even went to the extent of accusing that I had deliberately damaged the shoe. When I insisted on a replacement, he refused flatly and said that the maximum he could do was to repair the shoe for which I would be charged !! I took the shoes and came back home and sat thinking. I wondered if this is how the agents of Adidas would have behaved with a customer if it was America or Europe. I wondered if such bad quality would have ever reached the customer in the 'First World', in the first place ? Then another incident came to my mind. A friend of mine had gifted me a "Parker" fountain pen (It was the popular 'Vector' model). Now, Parker, as a maker of writing instruments is an international icon. However, when I used the pen I found that the quality of the nib was so bad that it was scratching the paper and flow of the ink stalled several times during writing. I felt that this could be due to the fact that the pen was new. But after several days of persistence the pen still did not behave itself. So per force, I abandoned it and now it lies in my collection of pens as a useless relic of bad quality. Long time ago, when Parker had not launched its products in India, I had used a vector fountain pen belonging to a friend of mine. It was imported and was a wonderful writing instrument by all counts. So I was hard pressed to explain how the same brand and the same model could become so lacking in quality in India. As I sat brooding on the problem, it dawned on me that pretty much every international brand that is now selling in India-especially those brands who have also outsourced their manufacturing to Indian companies-is selling products much lower in quality when compared to the same models being sold in developed countries. And, even when the quality is at par, the after sales service support of every brand, without exception, is either virtually non-existent or a den of thieves and decoits !!( How many of us have gone to a "Nokia Care" center and received anything but "Care" ?!!)

After giving a considerable amount of thought to the phenomenon, I came to the conclusion that it was the "India Effect". All the major international brands that have launched their products in India have to ultimately use Indians in the manufacturing (if they are manufacturing in India), distribution, sales and after sales service. And the moment they do this, their quality plummets. That happens because their products are no more 'Vilaayati'. They are, instead, now 'Desi'. So its small wonder that the soles of Adidas shoes start coming off and Parker pens refuse to write once they become 'Desi'. 

So we come back to square one-i.e. the point that I have been trying to highlight through my articles. The private sector in India is like an organized mafia. The 'Dharma' of this mafia is to somehow loot the hapless Indian consumer who has little choice and almost no mechanism for redressal of complaints. Moreover, as I keep saying, we Indians, by nature love to harass and thieve from our fellow citizens. That tendency is clearly reflected in the quality (or lack of it) of products and services reaching the customers and the callous manner that customers are treated by the agents of nearly all the big International brands manufacturing/importing and selling in India. Go and buy a Sheaffer pen worth Rs: 3000/- and they will give you a guarantee card proudly proclaiming lifetime guarantee. But after the purchase dare to return to the showroom with a complaint and you will find that it will take you a 'Lifetime' to get the company to honor the 'Guarantee' that it has given to you on the card which is actually not worth more than the paper it is made of.

So at the end, my conclusion is that the fruit vendor was ultimately correct. If you want to buy quality, buy 'Vilaayati' because 'Desi matlab Ghatiya' !!

A Cynic's View of the Jan Lokpal

Friends 

There is not an iota of doubt that India as a country is being sucked dry of its vitality by the singular malaise of corruption. There is hardly any sphere of endeavor-public or private-that has not been afflicted by this malady. While it is the public/Government sector that has been at the receiving end of the heavy artillery fire from the media and others on this issue, the fact is that the private sector is perhaps much more corrupt and a much bigger defaulter when it comes corruption in the country. But I guess that I have already written enough on the corruption prevalent in the private sector. The purpose of this article is different.

At the very outset I would like to assert that  I am a great admirer of Respected Shri Anna Hazaare and the members of the 'Civil Society' that is pressing for the immediate (and unconditional) passage of the Jan-Lokpal Bill. However, having said that, I must also add that I  firmly believe that what they are doing-albeit appealing in the short run- is going to prove disastrous and counterproductive for the nation in the long run. Since the current movement to pass the Jan-Lokpal bill is being presented as the second independence "Doosri Aazaadi" movement, I will compare the passage of the Jan-Lokpal bill to the "Freedom" that we got in 1947 and the aftermath of the event. 

There is no denying the fact that when we became independent, we had statesmen, thinkers, educationists and  other citizens of the highest merit, scholarship and integrity in the constituent assembly and then the parliament.  Corruption, though still present, was low and the common man-the aam junta-had a lot of hope and expectation from the "freedom" that we had attained and the democratic system that we had adopted. To be fair, in the short run, the hope was repaid by rapid development and leaders of high caliber. However, soon the situation started to deteriorate. Casteism was the first evil that became a part and parcel of our democracy destroying-in one stroke, all the good work done by generations of social reformers from Raja Ram Mohun Roy to Swami Vivekanand. Pretty soon criminalization of politics started. And soon the heady mixture of casteism, criminalization and corruption was emitting a stench that would put two day old shit lying unflushed in the commode to shame ! If the media is to be believed, we have had 40 major scams in the 65 years that India has existed as an independent democratic state. Today, things have come to such a pass that the nation as a whole is endorsing the idea that we never became independent in the first place. 

So, what does this state of our democracy have to do with the passage (or success) of Jan Lokpal as a bill and as an institution ? Actually by discussing the state of our nation and our democracy today, all I am trying to do is to illustrate how we function as a people and a nation. Actually we are a nation of corrupt citizens. We have a natural love for things that are not right. We love to flout rules, break laws and harass our fellow citizens at the slightest opportunity. And, the worst of all, we, the citizens of India, always put our petty interests and ambitions before the well-being of the nation and the society. And that is the reason that each and every institution in this country is corrupt without fail. The whole private sector is corrupt and the corruption in the public sector is hidden from none. Even the holy cows of the Indian democracy-the army and the judiciary-are not untouched by this malaise. So, if all the institutions that matter in this country are corrupt or, we may say, have become corrupted over a period of time, then how are we being naive enough to presuppose or believe that the Jan-Lokpal institution will be manned by angels ??!! From where are we going to get the personnel for the Jan-Lokpal ? The answer is obvious isn't it ? The same people who have failed to keep even one institution in this country clean and free of corruption are going to make the institution of the Jan-Lokpal as their heavenly abode ! Initially for a few years-just as it was the case with our independence-we will no doubt get a Jan-Lokpal headed by a very honest and competent person and the organization itself will, by and large, have honest persons manning it. But, after those first few honeymoon years, the elixir of casteism, criminalization and corruption will start permeating the organization of the Jan Lokpal also, and, mark my words, within a decade of its formation, the Jan-Lokpal will become the single most corrupt organization of this country. 

If the Jan Lokpal is given all the powers being demanded by the Civil Society, the result would be that the honest officer, who, at present, is still able to perform, will be hounded, victimized and forced to become corrupt. I will present the future to you. It will be as follows:

"An inspector of the Jan-Lokpal walks into the office of an honest officer and demands that ten of  the files of tenders and contracts done by the officer be handed over to him. The files are handed over. The Jan-Lokpal inspector scrutinizes the files minutely and out of the ten that he has taken, finds that 'Procedural' flaws have been left in two of them. The inspector now gives a call to the honest officer and demands a bribe of a few lakhs of rupees from the poor officer who is not even aware of the 'procedural lapses' that he has supposedly 'committed'. Since the officer is honest, he obviously has no money to give bribe to the Jan-Lokpal inspector. So the inspector takes the matter to his seniors, a chargesheet is prepared, the honest officer (without the money to pay the bribe) is chargesheeted, sent to jail, his property is confiscated and since all other institutions in the country from the police to the judiciary and even the Prime Minister are within the purview of the Jan-Lokpal, he receives no help from any quarter because everybody is afraid of making the all-powerful Jan-Lokpal their enemy. So the net result is that the poor honest officer of our story either spends his time in Jail and then comes out to live a life of indignity and dishonor or he commits suicide !"

Now if we replace the honest officer of our story with a dishonest one, we find that the complexion changes immediately. The dishonest officer-and dishonest officers usually have no ego hassles and/or scruples-is quick to bow down before the corrupt Jan-Lokpal inspector. He polishes the he ego of the Jan-Lokpal inspector and offers him a monthly share from his corrupt earnings. The Jan-Lokpal inspector takes the offer and starts protecting the dishonest officer who merrily continues with his corrupt ways.

Mind my words, this is exactly what is going to happen. Actually the vigilance organization of the country was strong enough to put the brakes on corruption. So was the CBI and the courts and the ED and the police and  the plethora of watchdogs and other similar organizations that exist in this country. But all these organizations, which were supposed to battle and stop corruption became ineffective because with the passage of time they became infiltrated and staffed by the corrupt elements which form the overwhelming majority of the population  of this country. 

The fate of the Jan-Lokpal will be no different. It will eventually become a "Bhasmaasur"that will seek to destroy the very institution that created it, i.e: the parliament and the Civil Society. Since all the other institutions would be within the  jurisdiction of the Jan-Lokpal, they will all make peace with it instead of fighting it. The Jan-Lokpal of India will, thus, eventually emerge as the dictator of India-a sort of Indian Gestapo with the powers of the Fuehrer and not even the rudimentary responsibility towards the public that perhaps even Hitler had to shoulder. 

The Civil Society members say that the Jan Lokpal would be responsible to the citizens of India and that any citizen would have the freedom to complain against the Lokpal to the Supreme Court of India. While making that assumption they forget that we are a country on non-complainers. We are a nation whose drivers are 'Jugaad" and "Chalta-Hai" attitude. My prediction is that not many people will be willing to complain against this gestapo like entity with Ogdru-Jahadish overtones and those who do complain would be systematically hounded and eliminated by the Jan-Lokpal.

Call me a cynic if you would. But this is exactly how the story is going to unfold once the Jan-Lokpal is created. I may be proved wrong on the time line. It is possible that it may take more than a decade. But mark my words, by pressing for a Jan-Lokpal of the type advocated by the Civil Society, we are driving the last nails in the coffin of democracy and the fundamental rights granted to the citizens of India.

Advertising-A Fraud On Consumers

Dear Friends

I have been rather vocal about the malpractices and corruption rampant in the private sector in our country. While almost all our attention is diverted by the majorly pro-private sector (and corrupt) media towards the corruption in the Government sector, the daylight dacoities and frauds being committed by the private sector on the hapless consumers are happily ignored. In this article, I will try to bring into focus one of the biggest frauds being committed on the Indian public daily by the private sector, in full public view (literally !!). It is a fraud that people have made careers out of and one in which the most respectable of celebrities in our country participate on a daily basis. This fraud is the biggest scam in the nation-much bigger than the 2-G scam or the Commonwealth Scam or any other scam that has been or will be !! Moreover, its perpetrators live respectably in the society and enjoy and flaunt all their ill-gotten wealth with aplomb. The fraud-indeed scam-that I am talking about has a very attractive name. It is called "Advertising".

Now-now, before you proclaim me a cynic consider this. A certain company launches a brand of cream that "Guarantees" fair skin for men. In order to bolster this claim, they market the cream saying that it contains an agent called "American Luminopeptide". Now, I have been a student of Life Sciences and have studied subjects like Biochemistry and Physiology in quite some detial. In my entire student life, I don't recall ever having come across any protein or amino acid known as "American Luminopeptide". In fact, just before writing this article, I googled "American Luminopeptide" in order to be doubly sure that it is not a very recent discovery in the field of biochemistry. However, even the all powerful Google refused to acknowledge the existance of any such protein or amino acid and only confirmed that it is some mysterious chemical or agent that the company under discussion seems to have added to its cream. The marketing of the cream on the basis of an ingredient that does not exist is just one part of the fraud. The second part of the fraud is committed by the reigning superstar of Hindi film industry. A much respected, talanted and intelligent Shah Rukh Khan comes on the screen and declares with impunity that he uses this particular brand of cream and that is has helped to make him fairer since it contains "American Luminopeptide"!!! Of course, the fact is that Mr.Khan has never used this cream and nor will he ever use it. He is simply "Promoting" this cream in return for a hefty sum of money. So, what does this mean ? Translated into simple terms, it means that Mr.Khan is lying to the entire nation when he says that he uses this brand of cream to make himself fairer. I would like to ask that before endorsing this cream with an imaginary ingredient known as "American Luminopeptide" , has Mr.Khan bothered to enquire as what this ingredient is ? Can he provide us with a record of the period for which he has used this cream ? Has he undergone any medical tests that may prove that he has actually become fairer after using this cream for a certain period of time ? You know as well as I know that the answer to all these questions is 'No'. But still, Mr.Khan stands tall on the TV screen and lies in broad floodlights in front of the entire nation and assists the company to fool an entire nation in return for a fat fee. I have given just one example. Every day we see scores of celebrities competing with each other in their bid to pursuade us that this cosmetic is good for our skin and that one is good for our hair. We also see the same kind of unsubstantiated claims and blind promotion for products like food supplements, toothpaste, white goods and the like. To illustrate further, one brand of toothpaste claims that it has "Extra Calcium". They also run an ad showing their brand of toothpaste being applied to two sea-urchin shells (which are inherently brittle and are made of calcium carbonate). Then-post application of the tooth paste, the shells are hit against each other, and the one which has not received the application of the tooth paste breaks. Now, one thing that the tooth paste company has not told the consumers and the viewers of this ad is that there is nothing in common between a living tooth and the dead endoskeleton of a sea urchin ! So what works on a sea urchin shell will sure as hell not work on a tooth ! The tooth paste company also does not cite any study or scientific evidence to prove that their tooth paste that supposedly strengthens sea urchin shells will also strengthen teeth. But still, such mindless advertising continues. Its a free for all. Companies continue to rope in celebrities who continue to make unsubstantiated and largely unscientific claims about the efficacy of products that they have never used in front of the whole nation in return for huge sums of money. And, the poor consumer, blinded by all this glitz and glamour continues to spend his hard earned money on products which leave him cheated in the end. This national fraud continues unabated, making everybody richer at the cost of the poor, hapless and gullible consumer.

Corruption and The Great Media Circus

Dear Friends
Once more its bonanza time for the one of the most corrupt of all Indian institutions...the Indian Media. The once hallowed and rock solid fourth pillar of democracy-one that contributed magnificently in the freedom movement-has proved beyond doubt in the past few days that its insides have also been eaten and digested by the termites of corruption and only a hollow edifice remains. What we have been witnessing on the television, ever since Swami Ramdev began his fast against corruption and black money, is circus in the name of journalism and journalistic freedom. Instead of focusing on the genuine issue of billions of dollars worth of Indian Black money stashed abroad and the crusade to bring it back, our news channels have been busy discussing the 'Salwaar Kameez' that Baba Ramdev had to wear in order to escape the police action at Ramlila Ground and the little jig that Smt Sushma Swaraj did on a patriotic song with her party workers. Our 'Netas' are also busy taking potshots at each other. Suddenly, the color of Baba Ramdev's Salwar Kurta and the dance of Mrs Swaraj has become the hot topic of discussion on all the channels of the idiot box.Media is working doubly hard and hand in glove with the politicians to divert public attention from the real issues like black money, corruption and the right of the people to protest peacefully in a democracy (or the lack of it). Question is that are the people smart enough to see beyond this media circus ?

A Solution to The Problem of Corruption- One, Which Will Never Be Implemented !!

Dear Friends,

I am writing this post in response to a demand by my friend Mohit Lila that I should also propose a solution for the problem of corruption plaguing our country. Now, most people would not have made this demand to a person who writes a long article titled,"Why India Will Never Be Corruption Free". But Mohit-having known me for almost a decade now-is more aware than most others about the point that I was trying to make in my article. He has correctly realized that what I am trying to say is not that corruption does not have a cure. Actually, like most other problems created by and affecting humanity at large; corruption also has a cure. But in the Indian context, the cure to the problem of corruption is so difficult-almost impossible-to implement that I am inclined to prophesize that India will never be corruption free. Still, since a solution has been demanded from me, I will attempt to provide the same. 

1) Creation of a No-Exception Organization: All the right thinking and upright people in India will have to come together and form a "No-Exception Organization". The members of this organization will pay their bills on time, obey the laws of the land, park their vehicles in designated parkings and generally try to maintain the conduct expected of an ideal citizen. This conduct will have to maintained not out of fear of prosecution but because it is the right thing to do. At the same time, the members of this organization will actively, non-violently and steadfastly oppose corrupt practices. For instance, when a shopkeeper offers to give a good without receipt, a member of this organization will offer to pay the tax due on the purchase and ask for the receipt. He will also try to counsel the shopkeeper about the importance of personal probity in the fight against corruption. I propose that this organization could be formed on-line in the beginning and as the numbers of the members grow, it could hold a national rally against corruption and corrupt practices. An important aspect of this organization would be that it would also welcome those who have been involved in corrupt practices in the past but are now willing to confess, repent and reform. 

2) Death Penalty in cases of wanton and glaring corruption especially by officials at high places  : On this issue we have to take a leaf out of the book of China. Recently it was reported in all the leading newspapers that Mayor of a province in China was convicted of wanton corruption and was sentenced to death. It is a well known fact that only deeply entrenched and palpable fear can check a phenomenon like corruption which is fueled by the most basic of human instincts-Greed. Corruption has to declared an anti-national activity on par with sedition and must attract the harshest of penalties. A person indulging in corruption must know that he could be paying with his life for his greed.

3) Special Fast Track Courts to try cases of corruption with daily hearings especially in serious cases like the 2-G and Commonwealth Scams: Corruption flourishes in our country because the corrupt know that they can delay the cases against them indefinitely. When delay takes place in such cases it becomes possible for those charged with corruption to influence the process of investigation against them. Given enough delay, governments change, officials change and the priorities of the public also change. What is a burning issue today, after ten years, becomes a non-issue because in the meanwhile several new issues crop up. So, delay in the administration of justice is the biggest impediment in the fight against corruption. 

4) Special Agency to Investigate Cases of Corruption : With all due respect to the CBI, I feel that it is time that we had an investigating agency solely dedicated to and specializing in investigating cases of corruption. Corruption as a crime is very different in its nuances from a murder or a rape or a theft. Whats more, corruption may be twice as difficult to prove before a court of law when compared to a murder or a rape. The CBI at the moment handles all kinds of cases. In my view, it can only be considered a generalist organization. What is required is an organization specializing in investigating corruption and only corruption. Such an organization should be staffed with only the best and brightest officers with unimpeachable integrity. Only those exhibiting a missionary zeal against should be posted in this specialist organization. This organization should be headed by  a visionary leader who is himself/herself beyond all doubt. The example of Delhi Metro shows what an organization focussed on its goals with a visionary leader at the helm can achieve in a short span of time. 

5) Ensuring zero exceptions to the law of the land: What use is a law if it not implemented or, worse-still, selectively implemented ? I was driving down from Lucknow to Allahabad yesterday and I must have seen not less than ten vehicles-from two wheelers to cars-plying on the road without any numbers on their registration plates. Innumerable 'tempos' passed me which were badly overloaded with the driver practically hanging out of the driving seat. Several motorbikes passed which had complete families (upto 5 people at a time) riding on a single bike ! All these were blatant and daylight illegal activities. And yet no body checked or stopped the offenders. The fact of the matter is that in our great country, breaking the law has become almost a cultural phenomenon ! Once the people know that they can break laws and get away with it, rest assured that blatant and unchecked corruption will the end result of such a state of affairs. People of our country need to be taught DISCIPLINE. That can only be done by reducing the number of laws and ensuring strict compliance of those that are in force. A disciplined society is honest and an undisciplined one-corrupt.

6) Expunging the word "Caste" from the Constitution of India and Declaring Caste and Religion Based Politics As Anti-National: Its time we woke up to the fact that in any society there are no castes except for two-The Haves and the Have Nots !! Casteist politics is the tap root that feeds the tree of corruption. Its time we severed this root. It should be made illegal for politicians to ask for votes on the basis of caste, creed or religion and any politician asking for votes or campaigning on this plank overtly or covertly should be debarred from politics for the rest of his/her life. \

7) Praying to God that by some miracle we will get a leader at the helm of the country who has the will, the strength and the support to carry out the radical surgery the cancer of corruption requires: In the discussion above, I have given my solution to the problem of corruption. However, make no mistake, it will remain a solution on paper only. I am 99.999% sure that it will never be implemented. This belief is based on the fact that since Independence corruption has only increased in this country. This means that the general trend by the biggest leaders  in our country has been to tolerate corruption. So, if this has been the trend, then why and how should we expect a sudden change in the fortunes of our country and in the mindset of our leaders now ? So unless and until Lord Krishna himself decides to take an avataar and implement the stringent and radical measures required to stamp out corruption from our country, I see no way that they can be implemented. This of course brings us back to square one. So, in a nut shell, corruption is a curable disease, but its cure is so radical and against the general character of our country (the citizens of which revel in indiscipline and lack of respect for the law of the land) that it shall never be implemented.